wHiMsiCaL giRL

missing: best friend

2011-10-15T13:08:00.000-05:00

This is kind of embarassing to admit but, I need a friend. A best friend.

I've been thinking this on and off for a couple of years. Sure I have lots of friends....but I don't have THAT friend. The one you hang out with just because. The one you don't have to make formal plans with because they are already there. A best friend. Sure I used to have best friends, and I have 2 very close friends that I still call my best friends, but they both live far away from me and truthfully we just don't see each other often. I have a couple of friends that are close and that I am close to, but we just don't see each other THAT often. Yes, I did have a best friend in elementary school, and I had a best friend all through junior high and high school. We went to different colleges, moved, made new friends, and just honestly lost touch over the years. The two people I consider my best friends are people I met in college. 15 years ago. People that I have so many wonderful memories with. People I have not kept in touch with very well. Not on purpose of course....it's just that LIFE happens. We move, we have marriages, and divorces, and kids, and jobs. We see each other on facebook and rarely text. I have concluded that we don't text much because when we became friends we didn't even have cell phones. We are in different time zones, we have different life schedules.

My sister has a best friend. I envy her for this. You always know that Christon and Angie are together somewhere. Their kids are playing, they are shopping together, eating lunch, or just watching a movie. They went to high school together and they both still live in the same city. I don't have that friend. Don't get me wrong. I do have friends. And I have friends that go out with or go shopping with. I have lots of friends to have lunch with. I have tons of friends from work that I spend everyday with and they are wonderful. Some of them I am close with, some of them just friendly co-workers. But I am still missing that one key relationship. I don't know if it's my fault or just how life happened, but I can tell you that I long for that friendship. Maybe moving out of town right before my senior year of high school has something to do with it. Maybe if I had stayed in the same city that I grew up in I would still have relationships with all the friends I had back then.

Yeah, maybe I'm lonely. Longing for female friendship and those long conversations over coffee or wine. Maybe it's my fault because I enjoy solitude sometimes and can be very happy not interacting with anyone all day long.

Sometimes I daydream about having a best friend. I know that sounds silly, but there are times that I think, "right now would be the perfect time to have a best friend around." Today is one of those days.

down with the sickness

2011-10-09T22:43:00.002-05:00

Hmmph. I've been sick since last Wednesday. It started with a sore throat and body aches. I did go to work the next day, but I shouldn't have. It took a bit of a toll on the ol' bod. Thursday night I went to the walk-in clinic because my throat hurts soooooo bad.

It was not strep throat. Which is good. But then...what is it?

A virus.

blah.

I stayed home Friday and slept until noon. I got up and ate waffles and channel surfed. I am ashamed to say that I discovered The Real Housewives of New Jersey and I watched it until....bedtime. I know....stop judging me.

Saturday I felt better so we went ice skating. Can I tell you how hot my boyfriend is on skates? Carter loved it and made some improvements over the 90 minutes we were there. Brian fell in love with the ice again, so I think we will be going more often. Did you know that my boyfriend is a HUGE hockey fan? And that he played hockey for 13 years? Sexy...

Ice skating over did me me and I felt like hell last night. We made tacos (not good on the throat) and watched Sucker Punch (good flick) and then we started watching the new X Men movie and I took some Nyquil and passed the eff out. All I remember is Brian waking me up and saying that I had to go to bed and then somehow I made it upstairs in the sack.

Today was church (my favorite part of every weekend) and then cleaning the house ALL DAY. EW. Carter enjoyed playing outside with the neighbors in the leaves. We made homemade pizza and settled in to watch Kim Kardashian's wedding on TV. I know...you're still judging.

Tomorrow is a new week and I REALLY hope this sore throat goes away soon. It feels like someone has their fist in my throat.

Hope your weekend was relaxing. The weather in Iowa is perfect. I love October so much!

October

2011-10-01T10:05:00.000-05:00

Right now it is 46 degrees on this crisp Oct. 1st morning. I am sitting in flannel jammie pants and moc's at the kitchen table with the laptop. I'm drinking coffee and making Carter a "waffle sandwich with nutella and peanut butter". I'm catching up on blogs and planning out the rest of the day in my head.

I love fall. Love. Fall.

Today we are going to the pumpkin patch. There is also the 3rd annual Des Moines Zombie Walk downtown this afternoon. Tonight we are taking Carter to his first hockey game! I could be at the downtown farmer's market right now. I'm sure they have a huge variety of fall pumpkins and squashes on display, but this morning I wanted to sleep in. I'm excited for October because it's all of my favorite things. Apple Cider, pumpkin anything, harvest colors, leaves changing, Halloween, chili, and it's bon fire weather. Not that I can have a bon fire at my house because I live in the city, but we can certainly have a fire pit :) Mmmmm s'mores.

I am happy. I have an amazing family, a great group of friends, an awesome job that I love, good health, and a great church.

Life is good.

breakfast

2011-10-01T09:55:00.002-05:00

Carter is making a nutella and peanut butter waffle sandwich. Of course, why not?

a whole lot of random

2011-08-12T10:20:00.002-05:00

oh hai :) I sat down this morning with intentions of posting picture of my new house and all the lovely things I've been hanging on the walls, etc., but my internet connection is being foul and it is taking forever to upload pictures. Boo Hiss. Man, I really need to start blogging regularly. I blame not having internet at this time. Hopefully soon that will change.

Ready for updates?

So.....we moved mid July to a cute little bungalow house and though I think the owner/property manager could have cleaned it a little better before we moved in, I am kind of loving it. It's BIG with 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, basement/garage, hardwoods, a cute little lofty area upstairs in the refinished attic. The only sucky thing is that 2 weeks ago I was attacked by some, what appears to be, poison sumac, and my legs and feet have not been too purdy since then. It's slowly going away, thank goodness. What a mess. My brother in law came over and chopped it all down. Apparently it was growing everywhere. That's what I get for moving into a house that backs up to a big wooded park. My dad came up last week and brought us a "like new" couch and recliner and ottoman and it all looks so great! The biggest thing I have left to do is hang all the curtains. I despise doing this because I think curtain rods are expensive as heck, but it must be done.

I will be going back to my old job. For the last 9 months or so I had a different job....but I made the decision to leave and return to where I was before. I'm happy about it. I will really miss my co-workers but I will not miss the drive. I will miss the families I work with, but it will be nicer for me to be closer to home. My heart is with the population of kids I work with at the shelter. That is what I want to do for the rest of my life, in some capacity, at least. Now I know this. I have something inside of me that is really interested in Homelessness and at risk youth. Probably why I chose to do my Senior Project on the topic in college. I have big dreams, y'all. Just wait. I go back on Monday.

Carter is going to be in KINDERGARTEN in 2 weeks. OMG, I am the parent of a school-ager. I am so excited for him, but I'm also scared. He's just a little guy and I worry about him. He's going to be in this big huge school with all these kids! He can't wait. I hope he gets a good teacher! I hope he makes friends and other kids are nice to him. I hope he fits in well and has someone to sit with at lunch. Of course he will. On my list today is SCHOOL SHOPPING. UGH. 30 glue sticks? Really? The list of supplies is SO long and I have to get new clothes and shoes on top of that! blarg.

My dad is getting married. I am extremely happy for him. I have not seen him this happy in a very long time. My dad has been a bachelor for about....14 years or so. He's lived alone in the basement of an old renovated bank. No windows. No light. I know that sounds so weird, but seriously. I would be so depressed. Anyway...he and Kim will be getting married sometime very soon. They have moved into a little house together and my dad is smiling. That says a lot. I never thought he would find anyone to spend the rest of his life with, and that saddened me a lot. Now I know that he will be happy :)

Book Club-I love it. I am now reading Crooked Letter Crooked Letter by Tom Franklin. Next meeting is at my new house :) We meet once a month and I love getting to see friends I might not otherwise get to see so often. And.....we always have really good food and drinks! I could get lost in books forever. It's such a nice escape to submerge yourself in a good book and not have to think about all the laundry you have to do....

I love going to the Farmer's Market on Saturday morning with Jenni Schwartz! I love seeing all the people and foods, I love eating taco's for breakfast at Tacopacolypse, getting a huge iced mocha from Java Joe's and getting Nieman Ranch bacon, sausage, or pork chops from Larry at Cleverly Farms! Last week I especially liked sitting on the patio and having bloody mary's!

We have designated Sunday's as Pasta Sunday! We've had spaghetti, lasgna, some kind of fettucini-ish stuff, and roasted red pepper rotini caesar. What will it be this Sunday??

This week is the Iowa State Fair. I don't think I will be going this year. I'm just not feeling it and it's so expensive to spend a day at the fair. It is good people watching, but not THAT good. However, we ARE going to Adventureland tomorrow, courtesy of Julie Woodyard, and I am so excited. I haven't been there in forever and Carter will have so much fun!

Happiness.

~On My Mind~

2011-06-26T12:24:00.001-05:00

1. I'm am soooo excited for the rest of my life. It is AMAZING how much things have turned around and become so much more positive in the last few months. I feel like a new person. I am in love. I am happy. And I feel like myself again. I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with the most wonderful man. It's happening. Watch out...

2. I am sad that Ryan Dunn is dead. a. because he is hi-larious. and b. he is grungy sexy hot. RIP. I watched Jackass 3.5 with my sister last night and cracked up the entire time. I love those guys.

3. I neeeeeeed to get out of this house...with this housemate. Blech.

4. I am so flipping excited for my tattoo. I have yet to make the appointment but I am so indecisive I am going back and forth about what I want and where I want it. I have a feeling this won't be the last one either.

5. I love my friends. A lot. I don't know what I would do without them. So here is a shout-out for my lovelies. "I LOVE YOU BETCHES".

6. I need to go back to school. Like now. Lesli needs her Master's degree. Pronto.

7. I just read a really good book. Breaking Night by Liz Murray. READ IT. Especially if you work in the Human/Social Services field.

8. Did I tell you I have the most wonderful boyfriend in all the land?

9. I'm hungry.

This Just In...

2011-05-31T20:43:00.001-05:00

The last couple of months have been very kind to me.

And so has this guy.

If you haven't met him yet, you need to. He's a great guy. The best. And I'm very lucky. I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out. Better late than never.

Thanks to every single one of my friends that has been there for me and supported me the last couple of months, either by your kind words, encouragement, listening ears, or accompanying me to have a great night out. That was something that I lost.

Glad to have it back.

Glad to have him in my life.

Glad to to have such an amazing bunch of people to share it with.

Love you all!

distraction

2011-03-27T20:01:00.001-05:00

The week started out rough. But I haven't cried since maybe Tuesday? It was when I started remembering that I have a life outside of him...that's when I stopped crying. Did you know that I'm a person separate from my ex? I know! I didn't either.

Shout outs and big puffy hearts to all my friends in real life, AND in cyber world for all the kind words and for making me remember that I am pretty fucking awesome. Yeah I said fucking. Sorry mom. But seriously. I have no time in my life for toxic people, things, or relationships. No hate...just moving on.

I had a blast this weekend. Friday I met Jerdman at Jethros and had the most delicious wangs. Then we met up with Chris at Kung Fu. DRANKS! That was fun. What's more fun that having beers and talking about music? Nothing. The answer is nothing. I love that place. Haven't been there forever. After that I met up with Ashley downtown at a crazy meat market bar where I paid 10.50 for one gin and tonic that was mostly ice. Can you say rip off? Seriously....I hate that place. I almost got in a fight with a pretty dude at the bar who thought he could invade my space. I will kick your ass frat boy.

Saturday...............oh Saturday. I got sucked into a Mary Kay facial party thingy that I HAD to go to. My face looked real purdy. My head did not feel very purdy at all. Then I took Carter to a birthday party at the Y with many screaming kids. Pretty sure I referenced wanting to punch kittens during that escapade. The rest of the night was spent on the couch eating pistachios and watching a really bad movie called ECLIPSE. Damn those vampirey wolves. I stayed up way too late waiting for Edward to save me. He never showed up. Go figure.

Today was Church, which honestly, happens to be my favorite thing of the week. Did you know that? Now ya do. It was super cool because my sister started coming a few weeks ago with the kids, then Rebecca started coming and today Angie Wags came! So fun. I love it. We went out for lunch, met dad at the mall, and chased my child around because I'm pretty sure he's more hyper than a chimpanzee on crack. Got to see dad all in a good mood because he was with his lady friend. Wearing all new clothes and such. He was high. On love, I'm sure of it. Came home and have proceeded to immerse myself in music.

I'm feeding an addiction to 90's music today and I love it. There are so many good bands from the 90's, but today I've listened to Blink 182, New Radicals, The Cranberries, Greenday, and the Foo Fighters. I did listen to a little Beyonce "Irreplacable", and Tom Petty, "Don't do me like that". Just for fun. I've listened to Dammit by Blink like 1000 times for real. I love it. Best played way loud while laying on the bed. I'm needing to continue this by listening to some Cake, Bloodhound Gang, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Jill Sobul, Liz Phair, Everclear, Soul Asylum, Oasis, Orgy, Third Eye Blind...ya know, because it's a semi-charmed kind of life.

Here's my point. Distraction is key after a break up. I forgot who I was for a long time. Now it's hard to remember. If I think about all the crap and memories for too long, I begin to play things backwards in my head, and then I get all mopey and sad and blah blah blah. The good news is that it has been a week and I am way better than I was a week ago. It will only get better from here. One friend told me to never look back. Sounds simple enough, right? Like take down your rear view mirror Lesli. I know, I know. It's not easy, but I never do anything the easy way, so I'm used to it.

It's way liberating to be free.

Here's some lyrics for you:

Dammit-Blink 182

It's alright to tell me what you think about me
I won't try to argue or hold it against you
I know that you're leaving you must have your reasons
The season is calling, your pictures are falling down

The steps that I retrace the sad look on your face
The timing and structure did you hear he fucked her?
A day late a buck short I'm writing the report
On losing and failing when I move I'm flailing now

And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
And sees through the master plan

But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well, I guess this is growing up
Well, I guess this is growing up

And maybe I'll see you at a movie sneak preview
You'll show up and walk by on the arm of that guy
And I'll smile and you'll wave we'll pretend it's okay
The charade it won't last when he's gone I won't come back

And it'll happen once again
You'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
And sees through the master plan

But everybody's gone
And you've been there for too long
To face this on your own
Well, I guess this is growing up

Well, I guess this is growing up
Well, I guess this is growing up
Well, I guess this is growing up
Well, I guess this is growing up
Well, I guess this is growing up

Remember that time we broke up?

2011-03-21T09:37:00.000-05:00

Well I do. It was yesterday.

He deleted his facebook account and didn't mention it to me. Until I asked.

His phone never rings or vibrates when we are together, yet it often does while we are talking on the phone.

He never left his phone out, except for that one time.

That one time, I happened to grab his phone instead of mine, and it was another girl texting him.

The text message was about going to see a show together that night.

After I left that day, he said he was staying home.

He then texted me and said he was going to his friends house "to play on our Mac books".

Please.

When I texted him a bit later he was at the bar.

He never let me know when he got home, and he knows that I worry about him getting home safe.

He's a horrible liar.

When he's really truly serious and not lying he gets mad.

General sneaky behavior.

He started going places and not even telling me, unless I asked.

And then I was over-reacting when I did ask.

People that he worked with did not know he had a girlfriend.

He had no relationship status when he did have a girlfriend.

He had no pictures of us on his facebook.

All he ever wanted to do was get drinks.

Generally distant behavior.

When I told him that we needed to talk, and asked him to call me so I could talk to him, he didn't call for awhile. Then a couple hours later he texted me and said "What's up?" When I asked him again to call me he said he didn't want to be yelled at. To which I responded, I'm not going to yell at you...what would I yell at you for? I called him several times and he would not answer. He finally called back, acted weird, I told him I was breaking up with him, and let him know all the reasons and this is what he said. "Quit being friends

with my mom and sister on facebook, and stay the fuck out of my life."

Don't worry I will.

A few hours later I got a text message that read "I will always love you."

THIS is what I have been dealing with for the past three years. I am ashamed to admit it. You think I'm crazy for dealing with him for that long don't you? I know. My heart and brain do not know what's right or wrong anymore. Maybe they do. Maybe it's easier to feel hurt. I don't know. I never write about it. Okay maybe once, but I normally keep all of this battle and feud bottled up inside me, until I talk myself into thinking that everything is okay.

I could give you a thousand reasons why I went back over and over. Why I thought it would work. Why I thought I could change him, the things he promised and the intense love that we shared. I could tell you about all the great wonderful memories that we made together and how much my son loves him, and how I don't (at this time) know if I can make it without him in my life, because I've never been able to do it before. I could also tell you how much I've grown and changed by knowing him. I could also tell you about how I know that I deserve better, that I was caught in a crazy cycle, and that I have horribly low self esteem.

But I'm not going to.

Because this time it has to end for good. I am guilty of talking myself into and out of many things and I can't do it anymore. There is no reason why any relationship should have you in this much turmoil EVER. I could tell you all the things I want in a relationship. All the things I wish I had. The kind of person I wish he was, and hoped he would eventually be. The kind I'm going to look for from now on.

But I'm not going to.

Because I'm tired of wishing, and hoping. I'm not tired of praying so I will continue to do that. But I need time to just be. I need time to hurt and to heal. And to mourn the loss of my relationship. I need time to get back to my old self. I've lost so much of me over the past few years, and I'd like to get back to being me.

I had to get this post out. I had to get it off my chest. I truly know I am better off, but that doesn't make it easy. I am very emotional, very sensitive, and I internalize a lot. This is my attempt at NOT doing that.

Here is a time-line

February 2008, we meet. Fall in love, have a secret relationship for a few months.

May 2008. He moves to Seattle to live with a friend for 6 months.

July 2008. He comes back to DM because he hates it there, can't find a job, misses me.

July 2008-Dec 2008-he lives with me. We fight. He breaks up with me.

March 2009-We get back together after night where we see each other for the first time since December.

The cycle starts all over, he says he will change, makes promises, etc.

May 2009-I move to my own place, he stays there (instead of staying with his mom)

End of June 2009-he breaks up with me

Sept 2009- he wants me back. He brings me roses. I dye my hair dark brown.

November 2009-he moves in with me, like on the lease. for real.

Jan 2010-he breaks up with me. It's traumatic.

February2010-he wants me back. I miss him. I look at a new house to rent.

April 2010-I move to my new house, he stays one night, then stops talking to me. He doesn't tell me why for a few weeks.

June 2010-he begs for me to take him back. I miss him.

End of July 2010-he breaks up with me by walking out of my house without saying a word.

Oct 2010-after months of refusing to talk to him I can't stand it anymore. I call him and tell him. He feels the same way. We are together again.

February 2011-we break up for 5 days.

March 2011-we break up for good.

I just needed to get that out. Makes sense why I'm a complete and total bitch sometimes doesn't it? Here's to happy endings.

Things I'd Like to Be #1

2011-03-06T19:09:00.000-06:00

A photographer. Catching glimpses of the world through my own lens. I have always loved photography both as an art, and as a memory keeper. I'd love to carry a really nice camera around with me all day and capture moments forever. I'd be that kind of person who says "wait! stand still." I'd love to have a book made of all my findings. Sometimes I go and look through photography books at the bookstore and I am in heaven. I could just look at them all day. I like seeing the world through other peoples' eyes. I like angles and color and black and white and fancy camera options. I like photos taken with a fish eye lens. I love photos that are in action. And photos that are not in a focus. And photos that aren't planned.

spoiler alert: this post talks about God

2011-03-06T18:16:00.000-06:00

You don't have to have a spiritual life that is separate from your "regular life". You don't have to have a list of godly things you need to do before or after you participate in your normal daily tasks.

We are supposed to live our lives with God. God should be at our side. We live in Christ, not separate from him. We don't get rewards for how many godly things we do in one day, or one week, or ever. We don't need to sit down at the dinner table and pray out of habit. We need to give thanks because we are thankful and truly blessed.

I struggle with this, and I think everyone does at some point. I have been trying to make God present in everything I do. Not just when I think it counts. I've been thanking Him for each new day he gives me. And when I find a quiet moment, I talk to Him and tell him how it's going...what I need....and that I want to live my life through Him, not for him....not for me, but in His love and all His glory.

Today in our lesson "Kings and Queens" at church, Jason, our pastor talked about all the different roles you have in life. You are a neighbor, a parent, a child, a student, an employee. You have to eat, drink, play, socialize, and work. All of these things take up 25 hours a day. There isn't really a time when you aren't doing something, because when you're not doing someting you're thinking. Or sleeping. Which is something. And Jason asked us how we are supposed to make time for God if we have all of these other things going on. And the answer is, we don't need to make time for Him. We should be carrying him with us, in our hearts, wherever we go, and whatever we do.

Have a blessed week :)

FINALLY

2011-02-06T19:40:00.000-06:00

Guess what!!!! I finally purchased my laptop! You know what that means.......I will be B to the LOGGING! I am so very excited! It's been over a year since I've had my desk top computer hooked up and internet access. I'm not even paying for cable/internet at home...I'm just using my phone as a mobile hot spot.

YAY! I feel like I have neglected all of my blogging friends for so many months. I apologize! I'm super excited to get back into the groove and share my life with you all :)

But for now...back to this superbowl....

I am here.

2010-12-28T15:43:00.001-06:00

I'm still here. Promise!

2010-11-06T10:50:00.000-05:00

I am hearting my new job folks! Its only been a week but I'm settling in nicely. The drive is a bit further but I don't really mind all that much. Its time alone to prepare for the day or to destress after work. Not that I've been stressed yet, but its coming. I'm excited to learn all new things and I love my office =)

That being said, I do miss my old work peoples. So I plan to stay in touch. They were my family for 5 years and we've had so many great memories.

"If we are growing we are always going to be out of our comfort zone."-John Maxwell

Many people have asked why I chose to get a new job. Its because it was time. And I choose growth over comfort. As hard as it is for me I need and crave challenge and new experiences.

And I'm sorry I neglected my blog for so long. I promise to get back to it soon.

Xoxo
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Fav Playlist

2010-10-27T09:29:00.000-05:00

Here's what I'm listening to:

1. As Tall as Cliffs-Margot & the Nuclear So and So's
2. Skeleton Key-Margot & the Nuclear So and So's
3. Sleeping Sickness-City and Colour
4. Goodmorning-William Fitzsimmons
5. Goodnight-William Fitzsimmons
6. Stranded-Slackstring
7. Pretty Little Thing-Fink
8. Broadripple is Burning-Margot & the Nuclear So and So's
9. Such Great Heights-Iron & Wine
10. Susanne-Weezer
11. Alligator-Tegan and Sara
12. Cape Canaveral-Conor Oberst
13. The High Road-Broken Bells
14. Nothing Better-The Postal Service
15. I Know I Know I Know-Tegan and Sara
16. No One's Gonna Love You-Band of Horses
17. The Funeral-Band of Horses

all of these songs make my happy.

My first 5K

2010-10-25T13:54:00.000-05:00

Saturday I ran my first race. It was the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. It felt so awesome to have completed an actual timed race.

The night before I bought new running pants and socks.
I sure did wear my hot pink casio watch.
It was a little bit gloomy, but I was okay with that. Better than blazin' heat.
I started my race next to Senator Grassley.
The shot gun "bang" to start the race nearly gave me a heart attack.
I was so thankful for the highschool cheerleaders on the side of the streets handing out water.
I was also thankful for the motorcycle crews who were parked along the side giving encouragement.
I had a couple handfuls of granola before I left the house, and yogurt once I got to the race.
I did not drink coffee because I didn't want to have to pee.
I started my race more towards the back of the group.
It took awhile to get running because we had to wait for everyone else in the front to get moving.
I may have started out a little too fast, but I didn't mean to. I was running with everyone's pace.
There were 2 long hills.
I did not walk, and for that I'm proud.
I prayed a lot during the race. It went something like this. "Please Lord let me get to the finish line without walking." and "Dear God, please don't let me puke."
I really did think I was going to puke at the end.
I had tears in my eyes when I crossed the finish line.
Carter was there waving at me about 2 blocks after I started and right when I crossed the finish line, saying, "MOMMY MOMMY!!"
My official time was 41:49
I was 448th place.
I was 128th place in my age bracket.
Senator Grassley is old, but he beat me. I should have stuck with him. He beat me by 2 minutes, yes he posted it on Twitter.
I was a little disappointed that I didn't make it in under 40 min, which was my goal.
I blame the forever long hill at the end. It was seriously brutal.
I drank 2 bottles of water when I was done and paced in circles, saying "oh god, oh god that sucked".
This really did come out of my mouth: "That was worse than child labor! Oh wait, I haven't experienced labor."
It was amazing to see everyone in support of such a great cause.
I would totally do it again.

And lastly, 3 miles..big whoop. Lots of people run further than that every day. People do 1/2 marathons and marathons like it ain't no thing. But seriously, I had to work up to this and I am proud. I never thought I could do it. Like I've said before, I could not run for 3 minutes at a time when I started, and now I run for nearly 45. So...there you have it. It can be done! Even if you're chubby. I plan to do it again and again.

Thanks for all the encouraging words!!

creativity or something...

2010-10-19T09:10:00.000-05:00

I wish I would have made different decisions when I was fresh out of high school, and attending college. I wish I would have went to college for something in the arts.

I want nothing more than to sit in my own creative space and create.

Sipping pots of hot black coffee while I work.

Listening to my music loud.

Making tangable hand-made goods. Having a sense of satisfaction when I complete a project.

Freeing my spirit.

I wish to not sit at a desk on someone else's time.

and never to hear an alarm clock again.

{image via}

I did it!

2010-09-29T09:17:00.000-05:00

Today I ran my last run for the Couch to 5k program! I'd like to thank LIZ for recommending it to me 9 weeks ago. Yes, I've been running for 9 weeks! That is crazy to me. I never thought I would be able to run longer than 5 minutes, let alone for 40. It was brutal when I began...not even being able to run for very long at all without feeling like my knees were going to explode or I was going to die of heat stroke. When I started it was around 95 degrees in late July. It's much better to run in this lovely fall weather! I think I will have to get my gym membership back for the bitter cold winter months.

I ran all but 3 of my runs on trails. I started out for about a month running on a paved trail around Gray's Lake. It was 2 miles all the way around, and I could not foresee EVER making it all the way around it at once. I then moved to a more wooded trail that was dirt/gravel because it was almost 3 miles to one point and back. After that I started running one complete loop at a Raccoon River that was 3.1 miles, and I found out that if I went clockwise, instead of counter clockwise, I was a little bit faster (not as much up hill). That trail was partly gravel and partly paved. This last week was the first time I actually ran on the street/sidewalk, and in the morning instead of after work. I mapped from my house to a church was 1.6 miles, so I run there and back for 3.2 miles. It's a whole different feeling being up in the early hours before everyone is up and about. On the way there it is dark, not many cars. On the way back people are heading to work and the sun is peeking through.

I learned a lot about myself over the last 9 week. That I am stronger than I think I am. That I am capable of pushing myself and seeing results, and that I can actually accomplish something if I put my mind to it. I even started to notice different things about how my body moves and what makes me faster/ etc. When I started running I had horrible knee pains all the time. When I got new shoes that went away for the times that I wasn't running, but my knees swelled up when I did run. I took Glucosamine for a few weeks and the knee pain went away. I got a stopwatch, I found out how horrible it is to run in a hoodie, I wore my first piece of under armor, I got a new bra, I found out how annoying it is to get rocks in your shoes while you're running, I saw a creepy man eyeing me and waiting for me to get out of my car at one trail...so I went the other way, I found out that it's not so bad to run in front of other people, but most of all I realized what my body is capable of. And the mental health benefits are indescribable. There were days that I felt like it was the worst day in the world, and all I wanted to do was run. Afterward I felt a million times better. Hearing only the sound of your feet hitting the ground is calming, and breathing in the crisp air makes everything more clear in your head somehow.

I will continue running, and hopefully as my fitness improves, my speed will too. Right now I'm kind of slow, but I don't care because running 3 miles in 40 minutes is better than not moving at all. And really running is so much better than dreaming about being able to run. Maybe in the future I will be able to run a half marathon. My next step is to sign up for a 5k next month. I will let you know how I do.

Thanks to everyone in my real life, on my blog, on facebook, and on twitter that have encouraged me, and inspired me to complete this goal. I feel amazing, and I don't think I could have done it without lots of kind words and motivation from you all.

"Running is a big question mark that's there each and every day. It asks you, 'Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'"
- Peter Maher, Irish-Canadian Olympian and sub-2:12 marathoner

one more week

2010-09-26T22:23:00.001-05:00

One more week of couch to 5k and I will have completed the program. I would totally recommend it too. When I began I couldn't even run 5 minutes. Now I can run for 40. I feel really good and I'm very proud. Though this week was supposed to be 3 28 minute runs, I actually ran about 40, which was the whole 5k. I realize this is a very slow run, but I think once I get in the routine, I will gain speed.
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Week 8 Day 1

2010-09-19T22:18:00.001-05:00

Can you believe I've been running for almost 2 months? Seems so crazy. Today I went to a different trail that was exactly 3.1 miles to see how I would do. I actually enjoyed it. It was a cool and misty morning, which is so much better than a hot and humid 95 degrees. I walked 5 minutes then ran for 28. I love the feeling of being drenched with sweat after my run. :) Running is my therapy and I'm excited to continue. I remember going to that same trail several times a week a few years ago...to walk. It took nearly an hour. I never would have thought I could run it. It also makes a huge difference that my knees don't hurt AT ALL anymore. I'm sure they were just in shock.
Well...5 more times running and I will have completed my couch to 5k training. I hope to continue this journey forever. Who knows how many miles I could work up to. Maybe I'm a future marathoner.
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Fall

2010-09-17T14:41:00.001-05:00

Hello Autumn. It's so nice to see you. I hope you stick around for awhile. You are good for my soul.

photo via

update

2010-09-12T13:22:00.000-05:00

I am once again in a blog funk. But I promise to have lots to share with you soon :) Everything is changing, and it's left me feeling "off my rocker" lately. But times change. People Grow. Things fall apart and mend together, but somehow God gets me through it.

When everything is difficult I rely on prayer. I pray all the time. Not just for things to be easy or for my life to be perfect, but I pray for skills in which to live happily.

I pray daily for strength and peace of mind.

Somehow....some way....it's working.

Prayer and Running. I have one more day of week 7 on the couch to 5k. I've totally impressed myself. I can do about 3 miles in 33 minutes. That's pretty good eh?

Happy Week to you all.

great success!

2010-09-02T22:32:00.002-05:00

Today was my last run of week 5. It was supposed to be run for 20 minutes straight. I went ahead and ran the whole 2.96 miles in 33 minutes and called it good. Its amazing what you are capable of once you make a decision. I feel good and my legs are tired. Goodnight. And thanks to all my friends for the encouragement and great running tips =) I'm excited to start this journey.
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Week five day two

2010-09-01T19:07:00.002-05:00

Earlier before I had run...I knew I was going to write this post. But I didn't know if it was going to be good or bad. I have been dreading today for two days because Monday was kind of tough.

Today was my best day yet. Seriously.

Instead of running where I normally do, I picked a different trail. One that I haven't been to in forever, but its where I used to walk in high school. Its more hidden and not right in the middle of the city. I don't know why but it was so much better. I didn't feel like I was on display for everyone, it wasn't as busy, and it was more shady.

Just me alone on this trail. Quiet. The sound of my breath and my shoes hitting the pavement. It was the first time I actually enjoyed my run. Amazing. I went 4.5 minutes longer than I needed to. On the way out and on the way back. It was supposed to be warm up walk for 5 minutes, run for 8, walk for 5, run for 8. I warmed up for 5 and then ran all the way to where the next street hooks up to the trail which took 12.5 minutes. Then I turned around, walked 5 and ran all the way back to the beginning. It took 12.5 minutes also. I never looked at my watch. I just ran to the end. I didn't even need to. I didn't even WANT to.

It felt amazing, and I kid you not I was smiling while I ran. I wasn't sure how far that part of the trail was so I looked it up when I got home and it is 1.48 miles from where I started to where I turned around. So 2.96 miles total. A mile longer than I had been going. Now all I have to do is eliminate those two 5 min walks and I've almost got myself a 5k (almost)!

I'm super impressed because I thought there was no way I would be able to run more than 5 minutes at a time and here I ran double that...both times.

Today made history. The first time I enjoyed running. Ever.
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suck it up.

2010-09-01T13:03:00.000-05:00

I admit it.

I'm afraid to run for 8 minutes, walk for 5, and run again for 8 minutes today.

and so I'm not going to the normal place I run.

Because I'm afraid I might fail. Or just look like a freak while I gasp for breath, and curse the pavement, and my knees for imposing this torture on my body.

But if I do it, I will be SO happy.

On the plus side the sun is not shining today, so it shouldn't feel like I'm running in hell.

Starting week 5

2010-08-30T20:04:00.001-05:00

I haven't given up yet. But I sooooooo wanted to today on that last 5 minute run. I seriously pray when I run. It must work because I'm still going. I'm totally afraid to run for 8 minutes straight. I honestly think that if my knees didn't hurt so bad by about 20 minutes in to it, then I would be much better off. Recovery time is quick though. I do like that. I've noticed that in order to keep my mind focused its easier to stare at the ground, directly in front of my feet. If I look up then I focus on how everything is too far away and I'm never going to reach it. Today a guy passed me on his bike and said, "keep it up! You're doing great!". This was as I was running. When he saw me walking on the next stretch he asked why I stopped. I'm pretty sure I mumbled some kind of garbage while grasping for air. Then he asked how long I had been running as he turned around and passed me again. I held out my hand...FIVE....weeks. "That's it?", he asked. I wasn't sure if that was a compliment or an insult.

Until next time...
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c25k w4d3

2010-08-30T14:01:00.001-05:00

Completed week 4 on Saturday at 8:45 am. It felt good. I finished it 21 minutes.

Kinda nervous for week 5 to start.

Not gonna lie.

I was talking to a friend at work today who says she has the same knee problems I do, and that she can't run on pavement, but only a track (like at the school). I'm thinking I might need to do this. My knees hurt after every run for a day or so...they kinda feel bruised. But they no longer hurt WHILE I'm running. So that's good. Maybe it will get better.

The new shoes took care of the chronic pain I've had in my left knee for the past 12 months. That's good too.

C25k W4D2

2010-08-26T18:38:00.001-05:00

I thought I was going to die.
No, seriously. That run was kind of brutal. I'm not sure if it was the heat or the road/trail or that the amount of weight I'm pounding on my knees is three times what I weigh. Ouch.
I feel good...I mean, I completed it. In full. Just like I was supposed to, but all I kept thinking about how it sucked so bad, and oh.my.god. how many more minutes? I wonder if it is always like that when you're exerting yourself. Always wishing it was over already.
Well I AM proud of myself. I just want to prove to myself that I can do this. AND I want to be healthier. I have a feeling its easier to run when you weigh less though, so hopefully that will come in to play too.
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new FAV band ALERT!

2010-08-26T17:00:00.001-05:00

photosource

Band of Skulls.

Check them OUT.

and thank you to MMBB for mentioning them on your blog!

all the songs are good.

~~most~~ all of them.

C25K W4D1

2010-08-26T13:02:00.001-05:00

I actually ran day 1 of week 4 on Tuesday, but decided that I would update you today. I have to tell you, I was nervous about running for 5 minutes straight. I know that sounds so lame, but coming from a person that has never run longer than a mile in my life, it's kind of a big deal. On the plus side it wasn't as hot as normal, and there was even a slight breeze. Bonus. The trail was open (not flooded) this time, so that was another bonus. I could go all the way around the 2 miles without turning around. It took me 26.5 minutes including the 5 minute warm-up walk. So, that's 21.5 minutes for the run/walk program. A total of running for what....16 minutes? I can't tell you when I've ever done that before in a matter of 21.5 minutes. Now, to give you an idea of how slow I am, I only walked/ran a tad over 2 miles.

Progress is to be made, right?

It wasn't so bad. I really didn't know what to expect though. I had no idea if I would even be able to do it. But I made myself. And I did.

I probably look like some sort of freak though. My face was bright red when I was finished. The only thing that sucked was that for the first time since I started the program, I had a bit of exercise induced asthma going on. Not enough to make me stop, but it was still annoying. I'm trying not to be too self conscious when I run though. There were tons of people running on Tuesday. I just stare at the ground and keep on truckin'. No awkward eye-contact from me. No thanks.

I need a watch, and a pair of sunglasses that stay on my face. I don't think the aviators really go with the whole running theme.

Swedish Girls

2010-08-24T12:06:00.001-05:00

My great-grandmother's parents' were from Sweden. They moved to Iowa (I have no idea why), and then to Minnesota, and then to Candada, where my great-grammie was born.

So I'm Swedish on my mom's side.

I'm sorry, if you're British.

Week 3

2010-08-18T16:34:00.002-05:00

Week 3 of 5k training has begun. Its not kicking my ass as much as I imagined it would. Why didn't I start doing this forever ago. Like maybe when I lost 50 lbs 4 years ago. Yes I said 50. I am impressed that I can run for 3 whole minutes without stopping. I know its not much and frankly, I could probably go further, BUT the instructions said NOT to skip ahead dang it. I follow directions very well.
My knees HURT.
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muck

2010-08-18T12:43:00.000-05:00

I have about a thousand things on my mind. And not one of them is clear to me. I'm in a funk, of sorts. It's uncomfortable. When life shifts, it's not always easy to go with the flow. I feel like I've used up the last of all the good breaths. I welcome any suggestions you may have for pulling myself out of this muck.

lotus flowers at the Iowa State Fair

Lotus flowers are amazing and have strong symbolic ties to many Asian religions especially throughout India. The lotus flower starts as a small flower down at the bottom of a pond in the mud and muck. It slowly grows up towards the waters surface continually moving towards the light. Once it come to the surface of the water the lotus flower begins to blossom and turn into a beautiful flower.-wikipedia

Gotta have some Avett Brothers

2010-08-10T15:10:00.001-05:00

photosource

Have I told you how much I adore The Avett Brothers?

"Kick Drum Heart"

by the Avett Brothers

The footprints over the snow

the fabric of all the lonely

C-Covering only

the fables and hands

the rest is out in the cold

holding the last of the season

F-F-F freezin' Yeah

My my my heart like a kick drum

My my heart like a kick drum

My my heart like a kick drum

My love like a voice.

We're walkin' in to the fields.

We're walkin in to the forest.

The moon is before us.

Up above

We're holdin' hands in the rain

S-sayin' words like I love you

D-d-d'you love me? Yeah

My my heart like a kick drum

My my heart like a kick drum

My my heart like a kick drum

My my love like a voice

Mother Mary heard us approaching her door

Although we didn't make a sound.

There's nothing like finding gold

within the rocks hard and cold

I'm so surprised to find more

Always surprised to find more

I won't look back anymore

I left the people that do

Its not the chase that I love

Its me following you.

hemp!

2010-08-10T11:15:00.001-05:00

HEMP bracelet made by the boys at work.
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2010-08-10T11:14:00.001-05:00

duct tape wallet
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duct tape fun!

2010-08-10T11:13:00.001-05:00

Scored this wallet that the boys at work made to sell to the staff! Hope they pick something amazing to do with the money they earn!
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week 2

2010-08-10T10:01:00.002-05:00

Week 2 of running began yesterday. Progress is being made! I picked out some new running shoes I want to buy soon. Woot!

Dorthea's Closet

2010-08-09T17:30:00.000-05:00

i almost forgot. I finally went to Dorthea's Closet this weekend with Carter. It is right down the street from me, and I have been wanting to go forever. I could have stayed there forever rummaging through all the cool stuff from the early decade's. but....I had Carter with me. He had fun trying on shoes, hats, and looking at the pretty jewels. He also wanted to go to the upstairs part...where the vintage unders are located. We did not go up there. The last time he was around a half naked manequin at Old Navy he pulled down her bikini bottoms, then got lost for 10 minutes while I hyperventilated.

dorthea's closet has sooooooooooo much stuff. it's located in a little boutique that is literally stuffed full of items from every era. i loved the collections of old scarves, sunglasses, jewelry, hats, and aprons. I found a few things that I wouldn't mind having for Christmas. If anyone knows me well, they know that I like to aquire things that noone else has!! hint hint.

if you have any interest in vintage, OR, you want a kick-ass halloween costume (or you are getting married...awesome wedding stuff) you HAVE to check it out.

Browse the website.. You'll see what I mean.

Happy Monday!!

2010-08-09T11:36:00.000-05:00

I got these delivered bright and early this morning. At work.

It's so embarressing to get stuff at work.

But I secretly kind of love it.

Here's to a happy week.

xoxo

Aren't they beautiful?

The card had "Just Because" printed on it, and then

"I love you" was handwritten.

progress

2010-08-06T12:42:00.000-05:00

yesterday i didn't have to pick up Carter from daycare after work so I RAN again. I wasn't supposed to because I'm supposed to take a day off between running (technically), but oh well. I did anyway. My time did increase a little bit around Gray's Lake, but I think it's because I had to run a little bit faster sometimes because I hate people that walk at just the exact speed to piss you off. It's like a car that stays in your blind spot forever, and you're like JUST. GO. or not. Anway. I felt great afterward, of course. Stopped at Gateway Market to get an avacado on the way home, and had a "chipotle inspired" burrito for dinner. Though not nearly as huge.

I'm kind of in love with running. I've decided that I really hate how hot it is though, and that if it were not 98 degrees (ha) then I could run further. or longer. whatever. I can't imagine that I will ever be able to run longer than 3 miles because 2 miles seems impossible right now. Maybe if I were in air-conditioning. I'm telling you my face is abnormally red afterwards. I can't wait to buy new running shoes. I hope they make me run fast.

I started reading the 4th book in the Twilight Saga last night. I read the other 3 two years ago, but never go around to the fourth. Thanks to Jana for bringing it to me to read while I'm waiting to hear what the next book club book will be. I figured I should read Breaking Dawn anyway before the 4th movie comes out.

I think today I will take the day off running and spend some mommy and carter time this weekend. Can't wait to get up in the morning and go to the farmer's market. Happy weekend folks!

running aint so bad

2010-08-04T18:56:00.002-05:00

Ok, so today I started the Cool Runnings Couch to 5k program. I'm kind of excited about it, not gonna lie. After work I headed over to Grays Lake in the blistering sun. Gag. I hate how hot it is. I realized that I didn't have a watch, and I needed one so I had to take the cell with me which was my on call cell. Its smaller than the crackberry. It had a stop watch which worked OK but it was seriously hard to read in the sunlight. In my other hand I had two huge keys for my rental Jeep. Sure couldn't figure out how to get one of them off the wirey keychain. I needed pliers. No pliers in the jeep. I felt like I was carrying the equivalent of two Zach Morris phones in one hand. No bueno.
Anyway, the first week...three times per week, I start with a 5 minute warm up walk followed by intervals of jogging for 60 seconds, then walking for 90 seconds. I do that for twenty minutes. It was actually way easier than what I was doing over the weekend, which was running until I almost died. No bueno. I still had a tiny ways left of the trail when the twenty minutes were up, so I just walked it.
I feel really good. Sore, but proud. I know its not a huge deal and lots of people can run around Grays Lake 2 or 3 times at once, but those people are just skinny bitches with good genes.

And by bitches I mean I'm jealous. So shut it.
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couch to 5k

2010-08-03T12:25:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Liz for suggesting Cool Runnings Couch to 5k plan. I'm totally going to do it. I'm still trying to figure out a schedule for this running business. It's kind of difficult with a pre-schooler in my possession, but I may have to make some sacrifices. I'm cool with that. The good thing about this program is that it's 3 days per week. I'm still skeptical, but we will see.

Last night Carter and I walked from our house to the grocery store to return a redbox movie. It took a little longer than expected, and I kind of felt bad for making him walk that far, but he did a good job, all things considered (whining right away because his feet hurt because he refused to wear socks with his new shoes).

When we got home I drove it to see how far we walked. A little over 2 miles. 2.3 to be exact. Not bad.

That Time I Started Running

2010-08-02T13:17:00.001-05:00

I had an amazing weekend! Saturday morning I got up and, after my coffee, went to the Farmer's Market. I tell you what, it's crazy busy at the FM on Saturday's here in Des Moines. I almost gave up trying to find a parking spot. I need a bike. I loved walking around by myself. Is that weird? I'm very much into doing things all by my lonesome. Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to friends, but I do enjoy my solitude. It was a great sunshiney day! I had 2 eggrolls while I was walking around. So good! I bought 2 packs of fresh tomatoes (2 for 5), a bunch of basil (1 dollar), and a ball of fresh mozzarella from Lucca.(5 dollars). Guess what I had for lunch.....

After my purchases I went back home to put away my foods, and get ready for my RUN. Yes, I said RUN. I laced up my shoes and went to Gray's Lake to make my first attempt at wogging..er...running. I'm going to tell you right now that it kicked my ass. Gray's lake is only 2 miles around the whole lake. It's beautiful, but me running...not so beautiful. I started off with a little walk...to get myself warmed up. My goal was to start running when I got to the bridge. I did start running when I got to the bridge, and I sure did make it across the bridge, but at the end of the bridge I could go no longer. I slowed to a walk..panting...like a dog in the sahara desert. It was horrible. I tried to keep it chill and even paced. I get so embarressed about running. Have you seen that episode when Phoebe runs on Friends? I counted how many breaths (in and out) it took me to get enough AIR to be able to start running again. 80 breaths. I started again, but didn't make it any longer than it took me to get across the bridge. I walked again. For 100 breaths. Then started again. Then I think I may have done this one more time, and finally I was back around at the beginning. It still took me a half an hour! That's how long it takes me to WALK all the way around the lake. This only tells me one thing....that when I was walking, I walked a lot slower than I normally do. Therefore my walking and running cancelled eachother out (like when my parents vote for the president). BUT, I do believe that I burned more calories while running. I mean, I was out.of.breath. I got in the car and looked at my face. More red than it has ever been in my life. I chugged water. I took the ice out and put it on my head and it melted instantly. I put it down my shirt and drove to wal-mart. My realization is that a few hours later I was like....wow. I could do that again! It's hell doing it, but afterwards it's kind of awesome :)

So, yeah...on to The Evil Empire, known as Wal-Mart, to get sewing supplies. I got the supplies, but I did not learn how to use my sewing machine (YET). Stay tuned.

My mom came over after that. We sat and talked for awhile and then drove up to Smokey Row for Frozen Java drinks. It was so fun. My mom doesn't usualyl venture downtown and she had time to kill so I enjoyed showing her around my neighborhood, looking at the old homes, etc. We then drove down by Western Gateway Park, where my mom took tons of pictures at the Sculpture Park. Then we drove to the East Village...I've been promising her that forever. We went to Green Goods and loved all their purses made out of recycled juice boxes, and tires!! Then we headed over to Raygun, which I am in love with. They have the BEST shirts. My mom got a kick out of all their funny (and sometimes inappropriate sayings). I bought a sticker for my car that says, "Des Moines, Hell yes."

Then, it was time to go home and get ready for my sister's Lia Sophia party! So fun. It was good to hang out with old and new friends and eat the yummy food that my sister made. I haven't made my purchase yet...decisions decisions, but I do kind of love their jewels. After that I came home and stared at my sewing machine a little bit longer, then got in bed with my book club book and read for awhile before drifting off to sleep.

I got up at 7:45 am and guess where I was at 8:15!!!! Grays Lake! Yes, I sure did keep up my attempt at running. It was pretty much the same as the day before. Stop and go, stop and go. But you know what? It felt really good! I came home and showered and got ready for CHURCH in their new place. I loved it and was introduced to a new friend :) After church was Borders where I wandered aimlessly around the store for too long. Then I had a starving belly and really wanted Chipotle, so I sure did go have a solo lunch. My dad was in town and I ended up running into him and my sister and nieces at the mall. He was so nice...bought Carter new clothes for fall. He's going to look so handsome this fall! Then we went to Target to finish shopping (Ironman and Lightening McQueen Undies!) Onward to the homestead....

My muscles were really starting to feel this run. I sat on the couch and decided if I sat there any longer I would fall asleep. I decided to go grocery shopping. 55 dollars later, and all groceries shoved into bags with stuff that didn't belong together (produce with the canned goods?) I was done. And all the bags were ripped. Thanks Fleur Hyvee sackers. When I got home and put the groceries away I waited for Adam to bring Carter home (and he mowed my yard!), then I made dinner, watched Dennis the Menace with Carter, went on another walk with Carter, gave him a bath, got him in bed, and then watched The Fourth Kind. I was afraid it was going to be super freaky and I wouldn't be able to sleep, but it was actually kind of boring. Then I read a little bit more of the book club book before I was too tired to stay up any longer.

I crashed hard-core and can barely move today without wincing, but it's worth it, right? My goals is just to keep on going. If I can run and get my heart rate up it's got to be a good thing. And really, this is like way better than paying for a therapist.

kundera

2010-07-28T09:03:00.000-05:00

she loved to walk down the street with a book under her arm. it differentiated her from others. --Milan Kundera

Twenty Things

2010-07-23T09:08:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been not in a blog reading mood. I've just been skimming...like there is some sense of urgency and I don't have time to read everyone's words. I'm not usually like that, but that's how my week has been...anxious and busy. But, there are certain people's posts that I always read, and one of them is Brittan's. Glad I read today because she posted this awesome list from Mighty Girl. It punched me in the face and gave me a new perspective for the day. Thank goodness because I needed it.

ENJOY.

and thanks brittan!

shweeeeeeekend...

2010-07-20T17:30:00.001-05:00

This is me.

A wall at a local bar. It amazes me what some people write on it, and how high in the bar they allow people to write. Craziness. Who brings a ladder with them to the bar?

I think this was a sour apple bomb.

I bought my first pair of skinny jeans. They were kinda long and bunchy so I rolled them up. I do not have the body at all to wear them, but I'm gonna rock 'em like a chubby chic anyway.

Self photo inspired by the derby girls (mid iowa rollers won big time!)

Carter and Mum. We took these pictures while laying on the dining room floor last night, way past bedtime. Look at his little toesies!! I need a pedicure somethin' fierce.

lost.

2010-07-20T10:56:00.000-05:00

I feel lost.

3 Essentials

2010-07-13T21:34:00.000-05:00

I seriously cannot get enough I this book. This is my second time reading it and I love it even more this time around. I can't tell you how much this book speaks to my soul. I love reading and can get really absorbed in a great book but THIS speaks to me. It's like Elizabeth Gilbert is in my mind...thinking my thoughts. I want to call her up and ask her to meet me for coffee so she can give me advice on everything. This book makes me want to take a year off life and immerse myself in another world. I'm almost certain you have to escape for a period of time to learn and discover important things about yourself that you might otherwise remain unaware of. Ok maybe not...but I want to. I admire her strength and though its not possible for everyone to pick up and travel to Italy, India, and Indonesia for a year, something is to be said about forgetting the muck and corrosion that happens overtime...and searching for a new sense of being. I've never related so much to a book about someone's life before. And its really more of her feelings about love, relationships, friendships, and spirituality...not about where she's living.

The movie will not be as good as the book, BUT I do love some Julia Roberts. And it has to be better than Under the Tuscan Sun.

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C. Beezy

2010-07-13T11:58:00.000-05:00

Normally I post all of my pictures and stories about my son on my other blog, Being Mum, but I've decided to post them right here today. I love this little guy with every fiber of my being. Yesterday on lame ol' facebook I posted that it was very hard and exhausting at times to be a single parent. I'm sure people wanted to say not nice words to me and tell me to quit complaining. I really wasn't doing it to complain..it was just how I felt yesterday. A little bit of bad. A little bit of tiredness. A little bit of blah. But I'm a little bit of better today. Sometimes a good night's sleep is all it takes to have a new direction of thought. And more importantly, yes there are hard times and days where I want to pull my hair out, but most of the time we have a lot of fun together. Lately Carter and I have been taking fun walks around our old historical neighborhood. It's really fun to just walk and relax and look at all the pretty houses (I will post that later...too many pictures to sort through and upload). I'm always trying to think of new, fun, and cheap ways to entertain the little guy. Last weekend we played outside, went swimming, fingerpainted, went on walks, and had a sleepover with Lily! Anyone got any lovely fun and cheap things to do with a mini-me this summer?

2010-07-12T13:07:00.000-05:00

"When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and its time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you dont even know from which direction the sun rises anymore." -Elizabeth Gilbert

i need to go home and take a nap and wake up in a different sort of light.

purple haze

2010-07-02T16:09:00.000-05:00

Have a good weekend everyone!!

a birthday present

2010-07-02T14:17:00.000-05:00

My birthday present from Elliott

Urban Outfitters bag, Score!

I wanted it so bad and I forgot that I told him. What a good guy :)

(love the inner lining, but i can't figure out if it's fruit? acorns? fish?)

Thank you Elliott!

CUBBIES

2010-07-02T13:51:00.000-05:00

BUT...

2010-06-29T16:58:00.000-05:00

This one is my favorite. I don't think I could duplicate that face if I tried.
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fun

2010-06-29T16:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes....I like to curl my hair and make funny poses in my bathroom mirror. Yes, I really am THAT immature. ;/
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to be continued...

2010-06-29T09:44:00.000-05:00

...and he said that he loved her, and that she was his best friend, and he couldn't dream of living without her. she tucked her hair behind her ear, and started at the floor....and a smile lurked across her mouth.

..he lifted her chin with the the tip of his finger, until she was looking directly into his eyes...and he said, "you're my girl." and with that, he kissed her, ever so softly...for what seemed like eternity...

nerd.

2010-06-29T09:24:00.000-05:00

it's true.

favorite childhood memory

2010-06-28T19:08:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite childhood memories is spending all day at the local swimming pool. My mom was a pool junkie when I was young. But, she would only go if the weather outside was a perfect condition. She did not go if it was cloudy. It had to be smoldering hot bright and sunny. The kind of heat that takes your breath away when you walk outside. Sometimes my aunt would go with us. My mom and her would lie on their floaty rafts and bask in the sun. Now you can't even take your own floaties and rafts to the pool. Remember when it used to be so crowded because everyone brought their own stuff? She hardly ever got in the water. Maybe just to cool off a bit. If she did get in the water, she never got her hair wet. I wanted to be a lifeguard so bad.

I wanted to twirl that whistle on my finger back and forth....back and forth, while wearing the super high-cut red one piece swim suit. I remember all of my bathing suits from my childhood years. Red with tiny polka-dots, purple with tiny polka-dots. I used to unstrap the neck tie and stuff it inside the suit so I could have a "strapless" suit. Then around 5th grade I had one that tied on the sides, connecting the top and bottom. Sort of a hole for your tummy and back, if you will. It was blue on the bottom and white and yellow striped with geometric shapes on top. When I graduated to bikini I had a black and white striped bottom with a black top, then a hot pink one after that. Then a black and white gingham printed one after that. Oh, and I forgot about the pink one with a white grid on it that I wore when I went to San Diego in 5th grade. Cris-crossed back. Sweet. I wanted to be tan so bad...and I used to be, as a kid. Now I'm pasty white, but man it was awesome to lie in that sun..flipping over from front to back...sweating your butt off. All for that suntan...for that boy that you liked. My hair was white blonde....

The pool was the one place where I felt alive. Jumping into the chlorine filled pool was like therapy. I can still smell the scent of chlorine mixed with little kid pee...the smell of walking into the showering room after I paid my fee of $1.05 to get in. To swim all day for so little money. My how times have changed. The slimey floor of the restroom/changing area. I had to be careful when I went to the bathroom because you never knew if it was pee or water. There were canvas curtains and I was always so freaked out that women changed in there and people could see them. It's like going to the gym-people just don't care (except me). You were supposed to shower before you went out to the pool. I always thought that was stupid. Well, not "shower", but get wet. My hair would turn green sometimes from so much swimming. We would stand in the longest lines just to give our change for charleston chews and laffy taffy. The bottom of the pool was painted the lightest sea green color. It was an older pool...around when my dad was a kid...so it had black slimey gunk on parts of the pool bottom. If you were trying to get somewhere fast, you lost your traction on the floor of the pool and slid. The baby pool had a curvy wall between the "big people" pool. I swallowed a many bug in that pool. I learned how to swim in that pool. My dad teaching me to float. Wearing earplugs (silly putty) in my ears because I always had tubes. The horrible peeling nose that I always had during the summer. I don't remember wearing sunscreen, but I must have. I do remember wearing baby oil and suntan oil. What was my mother thinking? They didn't have lawn chairs. You brought your own. The old school kind that folded into 3's, with the plastic stripes. Or you got to lay in the grass on your towel.

The pool was my sanctuary. If no friends could go I would go by myself. My mom would drop me off at noon and pick me up at close. I learned how to jump off the high-dive. Yes, I lost my top a lot, but that was all part of the fun. We drank pop out of real Mountain Dew bottles. We put sun-in in our hair. We wore sunglasses and stared at the boys. If we were awesome enough to have a boyfriend we would kiss them in the pool. Slithering legs gliding all over each other. We would dive under the water to watch other couples making out to "see what they were doing" under there.

I was sad when I had to leave the pool. I was more sad when it was rainy and I couldn't go. When I think back of some of the best times of my childhood it was the pool. Oh, how I can recall every one of the 5 senses.

1. See-little waves of of water sloshing back and forth with sun glistening on top.
2. Hear-laughter and splashing
3. Smell-suntan oil and chlorine
4. touch-hot concrete, icy cold water
5. taste-summer candy, icy cold Pepsi in a bottle, a few bugs...

The pool was ruined when my home-town got an aquatic center. Though it was a cool change with the huge water slides, indoor pool, wave pool, and lawn chairs all the way around it, it wasn't the same as the pool I grew up with. Not even close. The old pool was made into apartments and a parking lot. It's bitter sweet to drive by and see it gone. This was the only picture I could find.

Built in 1929, the pool was located at Keota and Milner on the south side of town. Was the largest municipal pool in Iowa when it opened. The pool closed around the time The Beach water park opened in 1993.

photo and wording courtesy of flickr

weekend

2010-06-28T19:07:00.000-05:00

Friday-got off work, walked down to the arts festival with Carter and Elliott, made a delicious homemade pizza with halved cherry tomatoes, zuchini, red onion, black olives, mozz, ham, pepperoni, and garlic, had a mini dance party in my dining room.

Sat-slept in (kind of), drank coffee, read the paper, got ready and went with my dad and the girls and Carter to the mall, then went to see Toy Story 3 in 3D. 76.00 for tickets and 32.00 for snacks. Thanks Dad! Then hung out at home, watched From Paris With Love (meh, it was ok). Caught some lightening bugs, had some wine, shot-gunned a beer (cuz I can) and by the way E and I totally know that this is juvenile and ridiculous, but we did it anyway.

Sunday-got up and cleaned cleaned cleaned my house (thanks for your help E., and for going to the store for me) while drinking coffee, got ready and prepared my lovely spinach and artichoke dip, tortillas, canteloupe, mixed berries with grapes, yummy fruit dip, cheese and crackers and delicious homemade sangria...all for my Lia Sophia party! I had a good turn out (thanks Kaci and friends, Jana, Ebony, Lindsey, and Christon) and Anne for doing the party! I drank Sangria all day and needless to say I got myself a little drunk and had to go to bed early. Though when I got there I couldn't sleep for the next 3 hours. Partly because Carter came and got in bed with me and he is a total bed hog.

I hope you had a splendid weekend!

What dreams are made of

2010-06-25T15:47:00.000-05:00

"Mushaboom"-by Feist

Helping the kids out of their coats

But wait the babies haven't been born

Unpacking the bags and setting up

And planting lilacs and buttercups

But in the meantime I've got it hard

Second floor living without a yard

It may be years until the day

My dreams will match up with my pay

Old dirt road

Knee deep snow

Watching the fire as we grow old

I got a man to stick it out

And make a home from a rented house

And we'll collect the moments one by one

I guess that's how the future's done

How many acres how much light

Tucked in the woods and out of sight

Talk to the neighbours and tip my cap

On a little road barely on the map

Old dirt road

Knee deep snow

Watching the fire as we grow old

Old dirt road

Rambling rose

Watching the fire as we grow well I'm sold

LOVE Feist. This song captures my soul today. Happy weekend. xoxo

YOU.

2010-06-24T09:16:00.000-05:00

I read something the other day...someone had said they were waiting to find themselves. I'm sure I've said this before...but why do you wait to find yourself?

You're already you.

If you're imperfect (which you are), that's who you are.

You're always you.

Sure, you can improve yourself, always.

You can strive to be better.

You can reach goals, and find new meaning

but that's still you.

But you can't really wait to find yourself.

You can't really say that someday you'll be the person you were always meant to be.

You're the person you were meant to be right now.

Flaws and all.

You are a work in progress.

Stop waiting.

Just be.

embrace.what.already.is.

because what if you run out of time?

what if you're not here tomorrow?

what if everything changes,

and you never get your chance?

camping rebes

2010-06-21T15:30:00.000-05:00

Rebecca. My second sister.
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birfday camping

2010-06-21T15:28:00.000-05:00

Hello. I'm thirty three. Eek.
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June 18th

2010-06-17T23:21:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to me! I'm referring to this birthday as the "dirty dub". 33!! Woo!
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2010-06-17T15:43:00.001-05:00

Today I opened my front door and saw three bags of groceries sitting on my porch. Um. They are obviously from the food bank. I'm wondering if 1. This is my birthday present. 2. Wrong address 3. Someone thinks I'm poorer than I am. 4. Former tenants had this service. If they're yours ya better claim them before I wear those flip flops that were included with the food.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm off work. Happy weekend.
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Trader Joe's

2010-06-11T14:33:00.000-05:00

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Exciting News! We're getting a Trader Joe's! I'm so happy :) I've never been to one, but I've heard lots about the stores and haven't heard anything bad from anyone. I'm super impressed with all the vegetarian foods they will have to offer. Though I agree with some, that it would be better to have the store in the center of Des Moines somewhere (like right by my house?), I will take it being in West Des Moines, over not having one at all. Maybe next we will actually get a Whole Foods, or a Wild Oats.

and an Ikea.

THAT would be AH-SUM.

Who else has a Trader Joe's in their area? What do you love about it? What's your favorite purchase?

Sunshine, Sunshine is Mine...

2010-06-10T16:49:00.000-05:00

~~"Perhaps it will seem to you that the sunshine is brighter and that everything has a new charm. At least, I believe this is always the result of a deep love, and it is a beautiful thing. And I believe people who think love prevents one from thinking clearly are wrong; for then one thinks very clearly and is more active than before. And love is something eternal--the aspect may change, but not the essence. There is the same difference in a person before and after he is in love as there is in an unlighted lamp and one that is burning. The lamp was there and it was a good lamp, but now it is shedding light too, and that is its real function. And love makes one calmer about many things, and in that way, one is more fit for one's work.”-Vincent van Gogh~~
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a letter to the person who stole my lawnmower

2010-06-07T21:00:00.000-05:00

Dear person who stole my lawnmower last night,

Did you really have to do that? I mean, what did I do to you? If you are any of the homeless people that walk by, I leave you ALL my cans, ALL the time. It really made me hurt inside to come outside and see it gone. It wasn't brand new. I didn't even buy it. My dad got it for me. But still...it makes me so angry that you could take something from me. If you would have asked me to used it I probably would have let you. I'm sure it's sitting in a pawn shop right now and you have a wad of cash in your pocket. It's really disappointing to know that I'm not the richest person in the world, and now I need to go spend money I don't have on another lawn mower so my landlord doesn't get mad at me for having long grass. And just to think...I mowed my yard yesterday, and today it's gone. How heartless. Really. It's not just mean, but it's stealing. It's a crime. And here I was sleeping peacefully while you were right outside my window, taking something that didn't belong to you.

I guess I learned my lesson. I don't have a garage, but I didn't really think that someone would come all the way up by my house to take my lawnmower, on a side street. It's not like it's out in the open. You were obviously lerking...waiting to take it. Good job. I'm glad you can mow your yard now.

Please don't take then next one I have to buy, because I don't think I can handle that.

-Lesli

Hooray for Summer!

2010-06-04T19:00:00.000-05:00

I know I posted this on my other blog, but some of you don't read that one, so I thought I would post it here too :) Delicious berries from my backyard. Carter has been eating the heck out of them! I'm so looking forward to so many summertime things. Most importantly....my birthday. Which is coming up on the 18th of this month. Stay tuned for some awesome posts/pics as Lesli and Christon's 4th Annual Birthday Camping Bash is about to get underway.

...and moving on.

2010-05-28T19:00:00.000-05:00

Hello-I havent' seen you for a week...

Hooray for a three day weekend! I'm so excited and I don't even have anything planned. I like weekends like that. I like to have "un" plans. It makes me very happy. Carter will not be at his dad's this weekend, so I imagine we will be doing lots of playing outside and eating popsicles. :)

This week killed me. Emotionally, mostly. Hard decisions were made and work swamped me. I'm looking forward to rejuvenating my mind, body, and spirit.

I have made a very deliberate decision to close a chapter of my life, and move forward in opening a new one. I guess I made this decision awhile ago, but I feel comfortable stating it. Just for the record. I believe that we must close the door to the past in order to walk into the future. In fact, sometimes the door may need to be slammed (gasp!) And no looking through the peep-hole! I'm tired of being stuck and feeling broken. It's self torture that maybe necessary for awhile....but not forever.

Happy weekend to you all. May you dive into the beauty of the world at full force....and never look back.

Today's Gentle Reminder

2010-05-28T18:46:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's that simple.

Jeremiah 29:11

2010-05-21T17:16:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged for a week. It's because I'm mad at my blog. I haven't had the time to figure out how to do a lot of things to make it look better, but I will be soon. In the meantime you will just have to learn to love it :) I haven't even been able to really read a lot of posts this week, but I plan on doing some catch up soon.

I had a crazy hectic week. I had Monday off, and spent all day in bed with the flu. I was also sick on Tuesday. I came back to work on Wednesday, but I'm still not 100%. I had a few stressful things to deal with this week, but now I feel a big sigh of relief that it's the weekend and I have nothing planned.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of soul searching. I haven't come up with any answers yet, but I think I'm starting to piece some things together.

Do you ever hear something that you've never heard before (or don't remember hearing specifically), and then all of a sudden it's like everywhere...it pops up here and there and then everyone's using the term or phrase, or whatever....? This happened spontaneously with the word "webinar" for me recently. I'd never heard it, and now it's the latest craze. I feel so out of the loop never having experienced a webinar.

Yesterday this happened with the verse, Jeremiah 29:11. Quite awhile ago someone I know randomly posted it on twitter or maybe emailed it to me. I was surprised that this person would post a verse from the Bible, but nonetheless, it was a good thing. Then another friend and I had a conversation about the very same verse a couple of months later out of the blue...as in, "do you have a Bible?...you should read this verse", and then when I looked it up, i was like...Hey, I DO know that verse. Anyway...yesterday I was randomly going through facebook on my phone and there was Jeremiah 29:11 staring me in the face again. I think that He is trying to tell me something. That verse comforts me. It makes me smile, because....well, I believe in that verse, with all my heart.

Have a lovely weekend :)

"For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Waiting

2010-05-14T10:34:00.000-05:00

I spend half my life in waiting rooms. I'm not a very patient person. I'm fidgity. Always waiting for something Grand to happen. It doesn't always happen. I bounce my leg a lot. I wonder what I'm waiting for most of the time. Something awesome....that probably leads to disappointment more often than not. What are you waiting for?
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Hate

2010-05-13T09:12:00.001-05:00

I freakin hate my blog layout.
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big

2010-05-11T09:35:00.000-05:00

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4

2010-05-11T09:34:00.000-05:00

Look at that sweet boy!
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Dress up

2010-05-11T09:32:00.000-05:00

Carter picked this outfit to get his pic taken in for dress up day at daycare. I love his big dimple!
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Thought

2010-05-10T21:49:00.001-05:00

What if you had a second chance to find true love?
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Canvas

2010-05-10T19:42:00.000-05:00

I love canvas's because you can put anything you want on them! And they are relatively cheap. I got these for 8 bucks a piece at Hobby Lobby.

I made my mom the "Family" canvas for Mother's Day, and the yellow one with circles is hanging in my livingroom. Yay for being poor...er...crafty.

Mudder's Day!

2010-05-10T14:49:00.000-05:00

Happy Mudders Day! I love this little guy!
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erin.

2010-05-07T20:00:00.000-05:00

Wednesday night I got to see my long time bff, ERIN! I was sooooo looking forward to it because I have not seen her for over 7 years! She was in Des Moines for work. Erin lives in Las Vegas and has been married for about a year and a half now. We met in 1996..her freshman and my sophomore year at college. We lived on the same dorm floor. My roommate was Sarah. Her roomate was a rat (shh) named Lucy.

We also lived together for a year in 99-00, with my rabbit....who's name was...wait for it....Lucy.

Erin and I have been through lots of life's ups and downs...together, and seperately....and though she lives far away, she still remains one of my lifelong best friends.

I picked her up at her hotel and from there we went to Star Bar where we ordered delicious food and drinks...all the while talking about what has happened to us since the last time we met for dinner. I will admit that 2 and a half hours isn't long enough to catch up. Here's what we ordered: Erin-Ahi Tuna Salad, wine. Lesli-Roasted Veggie Panino, beer. We shared some super delicious grilled bread with goat cheese, garlic, and roasted red peppers. YUM.

So bitter sweet. Awesome to see her, and sad to see her leave. I vowed to make it to Las Vegas soon. I almost cried a little driving away from the hotel.

I felt really good after seeing Erin. I missed her a lot, and it seemed that we started talking as if there was never a lapse in time or distance. It reminded me that true friendship is always there, and will always remain as long as you cherish it and make it a priority. It got me thinking about female friendships and how wonderful and uplifting they can be. I miss my friends from college.

I do have some amazing friends that I have met in my adult life, but I still feel sometimes that I don't really have a strong connection with a lot of them. For me, it seems like the friendships I have made through work, or other people, as an adult, don't have that deep rooted bond that we were able to make through young adulthood. Long before full-time jobs, babies, and marriages. I wonder if it's like that for other people. I don't mean to be offensive at all, or to sound like I don't have good friendships with people currently, because I definitely do.

When Erin and I met we had our whole lives ahead of us. We did STUPID things, we lived in dorms, we ate food service everyday, we partied, and healed our hangovers. We took a road trip to Chicago in my dad's car and got stranded there in a blizzard. We went all over Chicago (my first big city experience), we met eachother's families, we put off studying to hang out with our friends, she got tattoos and I got my belly button pierced. We walked to class, and wore tie dye, and went out to eat with our friends. We cooked together (my first taste of tofu), we hung out at Daydreams, we listened to The Pixies really loud in our apartment. Erin was in my wedding, we stayed up all night and talked about life and the meaning of it all. We really bonded. We built a friendship. A sisterhood. This is what happens when you are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You aren't running in a thousand directions trying to be an adult. You are free. Free to burrow into eachother's souls. Free to make an imprint forever.

Erin and I knew eachother when we were completely different people....and the beautiful thing about it is, we still know eachother now.

So...here's to friendship. May you someday find your Erin.

*liz already found her, i know this :)

One Lovely Blog Award

2010-05-04T09:28:00.000-05:00

I just received my first blog award from Kaci at Gambol \GAM-buhl\

Check it out if you'd like to know about her life with

Ryan (her new fiance), any of her 3 sisters (who also have blogs), her mom (tears+smiles),

Mr. Caribou man (whom she stalks),

Jesus.

Thanks for the award Kaci!

and now I shall pass it on to:

Megan Marie, over at the Polished Pickle

because I love her unabandonded love for her family and her creative spirit, plus

her kids and photos are simply beautiful

and...

another Meg, over at The Wild and Wily Ways of a Brunette Bombshell

because she asks all those questions we long to have answered

by someone..somewhere...while she sips drinks on the rooftops of NYC.

Thanks for letting me into your blog worlds :)

Chew on this

2010-05-03T08:59:00.000-05:00

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No single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.— Antoine de Saint Exupéry.

100th Post

2010-04-27T09:01:00.000-05:00

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My 100th post is dedicated to this man.

Seth Rogen.

Because I think he's sexy,

and I'm certain that he's the

perfect kind of guy. *

He's funny.

I dig the sarcasm.

He's totally not that jocky douche type of guy

(you know the kind I'm talking about).

His movies are hilarious.

and, I puffy heart his epic wardrobe.

Killer style without trying.

geek-chic.

I dig it.

xoxox

Happy 100th Post to me!

ps. my birthday is coming up soon and I would really like a

Seth Rogen.

*i know this doesn't really exist, but for the sake of the blog....

huh?

2010-04-26T19:00:00.000-05:00

Ihad to take a client to lunch today because, due to her therapy appointment, she missed lunch at school.

She chose McDonald's. I sucked it up and ate a fish sammie and fries.

While I was sitting there I was across from one of the managers, and I over heard another worker come up to him and ask him a question. It went like this:

{do i use windex on the tables?

what?

do i use windex on the tables?

yes you use glass cleaner to clean the tables off. (disgusted look on his face) }

REALLY? They use glass cleaner to clean off the raunchy tables that people get all dirty and nasty? No anti-bacterial wipes? No bleach water? bleh. I'm sure they use dirty rags too. It's not like I expect anything different, but what sense does that make? It's not like they're glass tables.

Oh well.

Rain

2010-04-23T13:45:00.001-05:00

today i'd like to lay in bed all day

buried in the blankets

listening to the rain

and my heart beating

simultaneously

In the words of Meg..

2010-04-22T21:00:00.000-05:00

photosource
I love these words, written by Meg on her blog post today, entitled "Couch":

"i am slowly learning that things happen just as they meant to. time unfolds and reveals us to ourselves."

This couldn't be more true. I need to learn to be patient and let things unfold the way they are supposed to, without my coaxing. Practice patience, Lesli, because just when I least expect it, something great is going to happen. I just know it.

Her blog is honest and real and she's an amazingly insightful writer. Check her out here.

Today I made a list. I am a huge fan of lists.

to do list:

pray. everyday.

do not be afraid of anyone or anything (within reason of course)

write your blog from your heart and stop caring who sees it and who judges you based on it

practice lovely acts of kindness

just.be.

practice fearlessness

take charge of your life

make.it.happen.

practice patience (see the pattern?)

do.something.huge. that makes you feel awesome

stop saying that you are not good enough

or pretty enough

or skinny enough

or rich enough

or "mom" enough

or 32 enough

or smart enough

or sexy enough

or worthy enough

take time for yourself every.day.

practice being unselfish

know that it's okay to be vulnerable at times

so this is my list, what do you think?

This is a time of renewel.

1, 2, 3, GO!

Always in the Mood for..

2010-04-22T19:10:00.000-05:00

I'm always in the mood for:Blink 182

plus i have a major celebrity crush on Travis Barker.

Buddy Wakefield

2010-04-22T19:00:00.000-05:00

photo
Last weekend I had the pleasure of hearing the spoken words of Buddy Wakefield, who opened for Ani (I know, you're sick of hearing about her, but I don't care). Buddy is a spoken word/slam poet who's recent record was released under Ani's label, Righteous Babe Records.

I didn't really know what to expect. I had no idea who he was (gasp!) but right when he got into his groove I was hooked. Everyone loved him.

I wanted to share with you, this poem, which was absolutely moving. It captured something in my heart :) If you don't know Buddy, give him a listen. The words alone do not do this poem justice, you have to listen.

WE WERE EMERGENCIES

A poet can stick anything into the fog and make it look like a ghost.

But tonight let us not become tragedies.

We are not funeral homes with propane tanks in our windows

lookin’ like cemeteries.

Cemeteries are just the Earth’s way of not letting go.

Let go.

Tonight, Poets, let’s turn our wrists so far backwards

the razor blades in our pencil tips

can’t get a good angle on all that beauty inside.

Step into this

with your airplane partsand

repeat after me with your heart:

I no longer need you to fuck me as hard as I hate myself.

Make love to me

like you know I am better than the worst thing I ever did.

Go slow.

I’m new to this

but I have seen nearly every city

from a rooftop without jumping.

I have realized the moon did not have to be full

for us to love it.

We are not tragedies

stranded here beneath it.
If my heart really broke every time I fell from love

I’d be able to offer you confetti by now

but hearts don’t break, y’all,

they bruise and get better.

We were never tragedies.

We were emergencies.

You call 9 – 1 – 1.

Tell them I’m havin’ a fantastic time.

2 words

2010-04-21T19:30:00.000-05:00

photosource

“If you like it, let it be, and if you don't please do the same.”-Ani

You Can't Miss the Obvious

2010-04-21T19:00:00.000-05:00

Some interesting things I noticed while out walking at Gray's Lake yesterday:

*People stare at my chest a lot. I'm not sure if you were reading what my shirt said "Obey Records" or if you were looking at something "in particular", but I can see you staring. You can't see that I can see you, (which is why I wear sunglasses), but I can.

*Mass supply of dudes in Affliction shirts on crotch rockets. I know I've said this before, but are we in Jersey?

*It's really REALLY annoying when you walk your dog right behind me. Like, on my heels. I think your dog is adorable, but it makes me feel like I do when I'm walking down a long dark hallway at night...kinda like I need to run. Back off.

*Please refrain from wearing your perfectly white and tidy tennis skirt with matching top, socks, visor, shoes, make-up, tan, and boobs. It's not a Wimbeldon fashion show...and frankly, your husbands tiny running shorts don't look that great on a man over 55. You should really check to see if his junk is hanging out, because I think it probably is.

*Annoying=people "cat calling" me in another language. I can imagine what you are saying.

*Please also refrain from speeding up on purpose when I'm about to pass you. It's not a race, and you were going slow before, so there is no need to speed up now. It's just awkward for everyone.

*If you are a rollerskater (not to be confused with rollerblader), please come to the park more often because I really enjoy watching you dance on your roller skates. It reminds me of the guys at the skating parties I used to go to as a child. So awesome and no shame! Love it.

*It is not cool to "cruise the loop" around Gray's Lake...in a Transport minivan...with your bass a thumpin'. When I looked to see where the music was coming from you were really proud, like "Yeah girl, I gotta minivan!"--not impressive.

FOOD

2010-04-19T18:46:00.000-05:00

So delicious!

Heat olive oil in skillet
Add 2 to 3 handfuls of fresh baby spinach
Add 2 big garlic cloves
Add chopped white onion
shred one large carrot into the skillet
Sauté until spinach is wilted
Add 1 cup brown rice already cooked
Add dill and red pepper flakes (optional)
Let cook on low 3 minutes
Serve with fresh cut tomato chunks and salt/pepper to taste.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Ani D.

2010-04-19T18:30:00.000-05:00

Ani was so amazing on Saturday night at Hoyt Sherman Place! I got all excited earlier in the day when I drove by and saw her tour bus. Her daughter must have been with her because there was a little pink tricycle by the door of the bus. We met up at my house and walked there (4 blocks!) Hoyt Sherman Place is beautiful inside. Our seats were in the front row of the balcony, which was pretty darn perfect. We weren't supposed to record or take pics, but my sister took this one and forwarded it to me because my flash will not turn off on my phone and it's super bright. She played a lot of newer stuff, but I was totally excited that she played one of my favorite songs "Both Hands" and I sure did record about 30 seconds of it. I also bought myself a new Ani shirt and a new RBR sticker. Sure did put it on my car. G'head, judge me. I don't care.

She certainly has calmed down over the years. She's still a rocker and I love her guitar playing, but it wasn't her angry female music of the 90's. I guess we all change over time, yes?

"We have to be able to criticise what we love, to say what we have to say 'cause if your not trying to make something better, than as far as I can tell, you are just in the way." ~Ani Difranco

Everybody's workin' for the weekend

2010-04-15T18:30:00.000-05:00

Things I did last weekend:

went to a baseball game

ate at taco (yuck) johns

went to carls

went on a long saturday walk by myself

made garbanzo bean burgers

sat at my kitchen table and had a great convo with a friend

kept in touch via chat with a great pen-pal/blogger

went to carls again

went to wellmans

went to CHURCH

cleaned my house

did lots of laundry

saw THE RUNAWAYS

Grilled at my sister's house

witnessed Lily break two more items made out of glass for a grand total of 4 for the week

missed carter

slept alone

cried a little

listended to Ani D. on repeat

grocery shopped

PICS my sister and i at the i-cubs game

Rebes with a tuxedo shirt-sunday grillin'
really?

onions from my yard! i have tons!

lindsey in nathan's overalls.

lindsey & baby ella

before my saturday walk.

i wore a bandana in my hair all weekend with pig tails.

stunna

uh...my feet!

my firstest neice Bailey Nichole

peace out-girl scout

carter got his hair cut for summer!

my sis and quacky

"stop! in the name of love!"

banzo burgers

2010-04-15T06:20:00.000-05:00

over the weekend i made my first batch of garbanzo bean burgers.

they were super-delicious!

I modified Kathleen's recipe found HERE.

Here's my recipe:

Ingredients:

1 can of garbanzo beans rinsed and heated to soften, and mash em' up.

1 cup of brown whole grain rice (cooked)

1/2 cup bread crumbs

2 egg whites

1 onion chopped

various spices

mash all together and fry in a pan (or grill) in EVOO until browned.

I ate mine on a bun with all the fixins!

One Righteous Babe

2010-04-09T18:32:00.000-05:00

shut up. i cannot even wait to see Ani Difranco next weekend.

it's going to be so UH-mazing.

i haven't seen her since November 2000 when she was at the Aragon Ballroom in Chicago.

i hope she sings a lot of older stuff, because those are my favorites.

do you know how i even learned about Ani? i was a late bloomer, i think. but it was the late nineties. one of my bff's ERIN worked at a (ahem) headshop on the college campus. a co-worker introduced me to her Ani cd's and i never looked back.

many years ago all of my ani cd's got stolen out of my car. boo hiss.

most of the ones i have now are newer ones...i love the LIVE albums.

right now my ani theme song is Untouchable Face...which I listen to on repeat in my car. it's therapy. shush.

she is one righteous babe, alright. can't wait!

Happy Weekend

2010-04-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

have a wonderful weekend everyone! tonight i'm going to hang out with my sister and catch a baseball game, followed by drinks of course!! Yay spring!!

Fun times in the new hood~

2010-04-07T14:08:00.000-05:00

I had a ton of people over for an Easter Grillin' bash. So much fun with all the kiddos! My brother in law, Nathan with his daughters and my Carter. Racing!
Mark, Angie, and Scott supporting the (bleh) Hawks.

I'm not sure why my child is wearing this Nascar hat. I swear I didn't raise him like that.

Nathan showing off his mad skills.

Principal Building in the background.

Lily is the new Skate Kid

Best Buddies Forever

Lily Bean, my little shunky munky

Action Shot-love the sunshine!

Lindsey, Me, Tyler, and Ida chillin' on the patio

Lessons from Daddy

Nathan and B-ry havin' some drinks!

Tyler giving lessons. Look at my little man!

Oh, Lily! You're so cute!

celebrity bff---woot!

2010-04-07T08:04:00.000-05:00

If you'd like to see who my celebrity bff would be, go here! What a great post by Kathleen. I'm glad she asked me to play along :) I think I might have to elaborate on my own version of this one!